Consent

by Eublepharismacularis

Eublepharismacularis talks about her enjoyment of consensual sexual violence, and the fallacy of confusing it with crime.

I'm a sexual being. I fit into square pegs, round holes and a few other shapes besides. I spent years feeling somewhat unsatisfied with how my sexuality was taking shape until I found a group of people whose expression was uncontained by the boundaries placed upon them by convention. The libertarians I discovered taught me that I could throw off the shackles of other people's expectations about my role and seek to imprint my own identity. It was an epiphany. I discovered that my secret fantasies were not my dirty secret, they could be shared without judgement. Here were willing participants in my dreams. They allowed me to explore myself in safety.

I love the fire of adrenaline which sharpens my senses, I crave the sweet juxtaposition of fear and excitement, a white-knuckle rider of the bedroom. I can do the candles and negligees, but tie me up and treat me rough and watch my eyes flash with devilment and pleasure. Thank goodness I have been able to discover that I'm not alone.

I have watched as a man enlisted the help of his friends to swing his body aloft from hooks placed through his flesh, and I have seen the same fire in his eyes as he was taken down. I have been close enough to feel the wind move past the cane that beat a backside into a pattern of red welts and bruises, living proof of the age-old knowledge that pleasure and pain are closer bedfellows than generally thought.

These actions take place between consenting adults. In many cases it is risky, physically and mentally. We are all the sum of our experiences and that which may work for one, may not work for another, but there is an open dialogue and there is aftercare.

There seem to be a lot of extra people swilling around non-consensually in my sex life at the moment, the government, the naysayers, the radical feminists, the do-gooders, the militant religious for starters.

In some cases I think they're trying to protect me from myself. I must be conforming to some dangerous expectations set by a 'bad person' with a dangerous agenda, their reasoning goes. I must be trying to absolve or eradicate a painful memory from my past. I have made improper associations which endanger my wellbeing and my life, which needs to be safeguarded because I have proven myself incapable of taking due regard.

In some cases I am seen as a malevolent, corrupting force. My enjoyment of non-standard consensual sexuality indicates my inherently violent nature which, if unleashed would damage others non-consensually.

The assumptions are as wrong as they are offensive. If I'm conforming to a male stereotype of a subjugated female at the mercy of their muscles and testosterone, why are my fellow submissives as likely to be male as female? If I'm acting out a past trauma, where is it, given that my upbringing was happy to the point of boredom? If I want to take risks with my life, why isn't that OK but basejumping and parachuting is?

As for whether I may turn into a violent maniac, I can only scoff. The causal link between consensual sexual violence and non-consensual violence has been wilfully misinterpreted to repress a practice that is hard to understand. They used to say that homosexual porn might make straight men into shocking shirt-lifters, but in these enlightened days(?) we realise that no amount of gay porn is going to 'turn' anybody, but it might provide outlet for those who are unsure. (I note that nobody ever used to fret that the gay actors might not have been creating the images against their will) And so it is with violent porn. No amount of violent porn is going to make somebody into a sexual beast, but for those with the predisposition to enjoy it, it may fuel their fantasies. But how can you legislate for intent? Titillation or damage - the distinction is all in the mind. For me, it's like taking me for a meal and giving me roses, but less heavy on the stomach. And non-consensual crime is already criminalized. Long may it remain so.

I'm living my dream, acting out my desires, I'm moving into a world where my needs are being met within a framework of safety and acceptance. I don't relish other people telling me that this and the ancillary industry connected with it is unacceptable, any more than people watching me tick my box in the privacy of the polling booth.

To return to my opening statement, I am a sexual being. I am many things besides. I am a woman, an aesthete, a daughter, a mother, an employee, a friend, a lover, a citizen. I am 41 years old. I have stumbled through life, and to get to this point I have been shaped by outside forces that have facilitated and perverted my aims in equal measure. Where I can, I will fight for the freedom to choose my path, and I will fight for your freedom to choose yours.

That's why I am fighting now.

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